Even So...

11 days ago, my little friend, a beautiful, sunshiny 7-year-old little girl, died.  Her life snuffed out in an instant, so unexpected and unexplainable.

When Marissa died, my friend's daughter died, my daughter's friend died, and another little friend lost her twin.  And the heartbreak is so shattering that words fail me, so I shall borrow the words of another.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,

Let this blest assurance control,

That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,

And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!

My sin, not in part but the whole,

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,

The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;

The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,

Even so, it is well with my soul.

~ Horatio G. Spafford

(click on his name to read his story of loss)

How Fragile We Are

Many years ago, the song "Fragile" by Sting with its haunting melody and repeated refrain, "...lest we forget how fragile we are.  How fragile we are..."  got me to thinking about us humans and our proclivity for breakage.

Drop us from too high up, we die.  Drop something too big on us, we die.  Forget to feed and water us, we die.  Expose us to extreme temperatures, we die.   And don't even get me started on all the ways to injure us--there are a million ways.

We're a delicate bunch, us citizens of this fallen world.  Sometimes we don't realize it right away.  We have parents and teachers and protectors galore to insulate us from danger and damage.  But if we hang around long enough, we get hurt.  We get lost.  We suffer.

I don't like being breakable.  I don't like the broken places I already have.  And I don't like the weaknesses in my heart, body, and soul that predict breakdowns in the future.

But even when I cannot feel it, even when I've lost those who loved and protected me most at best here on earth, even when I can't imagine that things will ever be okay--I choose to believe that there is still a safe place for me.   There is still a Power greater than all the forces of evil that holds me close and will never let me go.

Today I can't feel it.  I feel all my all vulnerabilities and weaknesses and fears closing in.  But I believe.   I believe that I am safe.  Safe, because I have asked Him to stay with me and He is here.

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High 

will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

This I declare about the LORD: 

He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; 

He is my God, and I trust him.

He will cover you with his feathers. 

He will shelter you with his wings. 

His faithful promise are your 

armor 

and 

protection.  

~Psalm 91:1-4

Becoming

Put on your new nature, 

and be renewed~ 

As you learn to 

                         know your Creator 

and become 

                   like Him. 

~ Colossians 3:10

I'm not really a fan of making resolutions.  For me it's always felt like a list of commandeering "should"s that I could never live up to.  So last year I quit.

I decided to try something different and pick just one word to serve as my guide a focus throughout the year.  After some thought and prayer, I chose "Victorious" as my theme. But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. ~ Romans 8:37

The theme of victory truly did become the lens through which I looked at life last year and the filter through which I ran my questions and challenges.  "Is this decision taking me in the direction of victory in my life, or towards defeat?"  Did I always make the right decisions and do the right things?  No, of course not.  But I did come to the end of the year with a sense of success.  I moved in the right direction and ended the year feeling more solid and grounded as to who I am in Christ and fully convicted that "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength."

This year I want to focus on BECOMING who my Father has in mind for me to be.  I want my words to be seasoned with love, to be more gentle, patient, and thoughtful to those around me.  I want speak the right words, in the right tone of voice, at the right time--and probably to speak less often.  I want to seek peace and pursue it.

I want my life to be more BECOMING with His beauty, peace, and grace.  And He's going to have to do all the work, 'cause I just don't naturally have it in me.

Thankfully, he promises to bring the "transformation" part; as long as I provide the "willing" part.

Lets see what becomes of me in 2012.

And I will give you a new heart, 

and I will put a new spirit in you. 

I will take out your 

stony 

                           stubborn heart 

and give you a 

tender

                             responsive heart. 

~ Eze. 36:26

Fault Lines

And don't sin by letting anger control you. 
Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry, 
for anger gives a foothold to the devil. 
 ~ Ephesians 4:26-27.

So I've decided to blog even when I'm feeling fed-up and irritated as all get-out.  Feeling put-upon, unappreciated, unnoticed, and darnit--even unfed.


I know I'm suffering first world problems that won't cause permanent damage to me or anybody else.  But anger might.  Anger, if coddled, can grow and flow and fracture even the steadiest heart; leaving vulnerable places where the bitterness can grow and destroy our joy.


Jesus forgives me my fault lines, and gives me the power to forgive others their fault lines.  And He heals up the broken places that others leave upon my soul, and fills my mended cup with His love.

Make allowance for each other's faults, 
and forgive anyone who offends you.  
Remember, the Lord forgave you, 
so you must forgive others.  
~ Colossians 3:13

Bold Dreams

I dreamed that God had a Facebook wall, on which I simply wrote, "Come On!"


I knew He'd know what I meant.  That I'd grown weary of pleading and pretending patience and that I needed Him to understand my need was Real.  My need was Now.


When I awakened, I remembered vividly and felt chagrin and even shame.  How dare I walk right up, post a demand on my Friend's wall for all to see so bold and so stark and so--rude!  In my mind I started to apologize and explain and dismiss my sentiments as "just a dream."


But then I realized that those two words were the essence of all my prayers and petitions over the last several months.  Without pretense or preamble, I had dreamed up a prayer that was straight and true and the clearest expression of the pain in my soul.


And I realized that He'd already known my prayer and hadn't been surprised in the least at my outburst of frustration.  And somehow, He's okay with that.  My prayer wasn't eloquent or even completely coherent.  But I'd finally said it.  And the veil of pretending was gone--I'd finally revealed myself at my most vulnerable and admitted my anger and impatience; but more importantly--my faith.


Those two terse words, "Come On!" contain my belief that he will indeed, answer my need.
In fact Paul already wrote this, and said it better than I did a long time ago:

Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable.

So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. 

This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.

Hebrews 4:13-16

So when will I learn to just show up in God's throne room and start remembering that He'll receive me with mercy, grace, and love?

Along the Path

Your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," Whenever you turn to the right hand Or whenever you turn to the left. ~ Isaiah 30:21

 ~ ~ ~

Life-changing events happen to us all.  Some are overtly planned to have a positive effect in our lives and are the results of choices we make: graduations, wedding day, becoming a parent.   Our journey unfolds as an adventure on a chosen path--not always smoothly, but surprisingly, with bits of joy and brilliance along the way.

Some events pluck us off of our path and fling us down upon another road, unfamiliar and unwelcome and almost unbearably lonely.

We meet new people on this path, common neighbors to whatever tragedy or trauma also brought them here.  Some friends walk along beside us and choose brave the tough spots, some cannot or will not; and we mourn the loss of their company.  But hope springs up in this place and we learn to abstract beauty from the ashes, and a spirit of praise from despair.

Morning by morning we awake, our terror lessening; reminded that we're given strength and comfort in the time of need.  His voice still whispers, "We're where we need to be on this journey Home. Together."

~ ~ ~
What's more, I am with you, and I will protect you wherever you go. One day I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have finished giving you everything I have promised you. ~ Genesis 28:15

Breaking the Surface

When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. Isaiah 43:2


There are times when they show up, unbidden--a slide show of the worst of moments; and with them, the temptation to remain in that dark place in time and feel the fear and helplessness again.  It's overwhelming, like an undercurrent surrounding me and tugging me down. 


I'm learning that there is a way to resist that darkness; and focus on the light, love, and joy the Lord has promised.  To deliberately leave the bottom of the ocean's abyss and press upward, like a swimmer rising to the surface for a life-preserving gasp of oxygen.  It has nothing to do with my own strength or piety; but everything to do with choosing to focus every part of my being on looking up to Jesus.  Jesus and his matchless charms, unreasonable love, and enabling grace.


The battles are short and desperate; but if I look upward, move upward, I will eventually break the surface into the dazzling light and be able to breathe once again.  And Jesus is there.     He was there all along--and always will be.


But when he (Peter) saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. "Save me, Lord!" he shouted.  Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him."You have so little faith," Jesus said. "Why did you doubt me?"  Matthew 14:30-31